I Want to be Good

I want to be good.

More than anything else, I want to be good.

I want to be a good person. A good friend. A good Christian. A good mother. A good wife.

I want to be good.

It sounds so noble.  Almost like I’m bragging.

What do you want most? Money? Fame? Success?

Not me. I just want to be good. Look how pure I am.

But you don’t have to look very hard to see the darkness.

I want to be good… For me.

I want to be good so I will be valuable. Worthy.

I want to be good so that people will love me. So that God will love me.

I’ve recently, through a rather miraculous series of events, gotten the privilege of being a stay at home Mom.

And now the real pressure is on. No job description. No quarterly evaluations. No lazy coworkers I can smugly compare myself too.

I want to be a good mom and a good wife.

But why?

Do I want to be a good wife so I can bless my husband? Do I want to be a good wife to honor God?

Sort of.

I want to be a good wife, which will in turn bless my husband which will make him love me.

Don’t get me wrong, he loves me. But I want him to love me more.

And if he doesn’t, I want to be damn sure that its his fault, not mine.

I want to honor God so he’ll love me.

Does he love me already? Yeah.

He has proved so faithful in my life and says he loves me. But I want him to REALLY love me. The way you love someone who deserves it.

Silly, right?

How long will I be stuck on lesson one?

Sure, I can say all of the right things.

God loves me because he made me. He chose me.

Jesus paid my debt. In him I’m righteous. In him I’m worthy. In him I’m good.

But, seriously, there is no way I believe that.

If I did I wouldn’t be trying so freakin hard to be good.

I wouldn’t spend so much time think about how I could be better and how much people will like/love/appreciate me then.

So here I go again. To the Cross.

Lord, please remind me that you love me and it has nothing to do with how good I am. Please remind me that in you I am righteous and that doesn’t come in degrees.

Lord, I’m sorry for thinking the Cross wasn’t good enough and you needed a little help from me.

Please, let me approach the relationships in my life with love and grace that flows from the love and grace you have given me. Not as negotiations where performance is traded for love.

God, I know it’s taking me a long, long time but I really do want to get to know you and to rest in your grace.

Lord, I believe. Help me believe.

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